| POINT TO PONDER: I am not an accident VERSE TO REMEMBER: “I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born.” ISAIAH 44:2 | QUESTION TO CONSIDER: I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept? |
~ ~ My Thoughts ~ ~
On a really great day I am at peace with myself and with God precisely as I am. On a less than great day I struggle with the fact I am not as good and as Godly as I yearn to be. My Dad used to tell me that any day you wake up on the right side of the dirt is a good day. I remind myself of that whenever I am struggling to survive a less that great day. On these less great days I allow others to hurt me or circumvent my goals. I allow myself to become distracted and lose my focus what is important to me. I become self conscious about my weight and wish I would have found another pathway thru my PTSD rather than the pathway they increased my weight beyond my bodies ability to comfortably tolerate it after a previous back and shoulder injury years earlier. I am at times impatient and do not like waiting for the answers to a multitude of life's questions that still linger in my brain.
Currently I am struggling to break bad habits I have acquired, lazier tendencies I have developed, or unhealthy mindsets I have slipped into. These patterns become more noticeable when I have allowed myself to lose my focus on God and I become too stressed, busy, or filled with fear. These repeated patterns cause me to fall back into the same black hole I have had to climb out of more times than I care to admit. Each time I have fallen backwards into the same hole I get further removed from God. I feel foolish asking for help on correcting these same problems repeatedly. I am ashamed to ask for God's forgiveness again and again for thee mistakes for which I have no plausible explanation beyond I was fearful to do something I know I have successfully done in the past. I do not feel deserving of forgiveness. I should be sharply and harshly punished because I am such a worthless human being.
I have asked myself repeatedly - why did I deserve to come out of PTSD so "easily" (as I have had people tell me) while others still suffer and cannot find their way out of mental illness and pain? In my heart I know my recovery wasn't "easy". It was a trip through the depths of hell as I fought for my life. I believe I am healed through the grace of God. Therefore, I feel called to help others by combining my newfound wisdom with the many gifts God has given me. I want to fulfill the divine purpose that God has written on my heart but I grow frustrated that it is not as easy as I want it to be. I feel imperfect, incapable, undeserving, and frightened by what I feel called to do whenever I allow my imperfections or fears to take control.
When I stay focused on God, allow him to take the lead, and I follow him closely I am more confident and productive. I do not worry about the people who criticize me or fail to understand me. I must stay focused on God no matter what might happen. The frightened child in me fears the "what". I need to find the adventuresome child in me who trusted my creator to keep me safe on the many off road adventures through the back woods and creeks I boldly and cheerfully explored in my youth. I know that stretching my boundaries is a skill I need to master on my journey through life.
So I guess the simple answer to the question - What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept - is simply ... I am struggling to accept the innately divine connection I've had since birth which allows me to easily "let go and let God" and trust in everything I already know. Everything will turn out well and I really truly am enough. Anything I think I lack will either be provided to me or it is unnecessary in my journey through life. To help me remember this I will ingrain a new mantra in my head. Let go and let God's magnificence shine!
Currently I am struggling to break bad habits I have acquired, lazier tendencies I have developed, or unhealthy mindsets I have slipped into. These patterns become more noticeable when I have allowed myself to lose my focus on God and I become too stressed, busy, or filled with fear. These repeated patterns cause me to fall back into the same black hole I have had to climb out of more times than I care to admit. Each time I have fallen backwards into the same hole I get further removed from God. I feel foolish asking for help on correcting these same problems repeatedly. I am ashamed to ask for God's forgiveness again and again for thee mistakes for which I have no plausible explanation beyond I was fearful to do something I know I have successfully done in the past. I do not feel deserving of forgiveness. I should be sharply and harshly punished because I am such a worthless human being.
I have asked myself repeatedly - why did I deserve to come out of PTSD so "easily" (as I have had people tell me) while others still suffer and cannot find their way out of mental illness and pain? In my heart I know my recovery wasn't "easy". It was a trip through the depths of hell as I fought for my life. I believe I am healed through the grace of God. Therefore, I feel called to help others by combining my newfound wisdom with the many gifts God has given me. I want to fulfill the divine purpose that God has written on my heart but I grow frustrated that it is not as easy as I want it to be. I feel imperfect, incapable, undeserving, and frightened by what I feel called to do whenever I allow my imperfections or fears to take control.
When I stay focused on God, allow him to take the lead, and I follow him closely I am more confident and productive. I do not worry about the people who criticize me or fail to understand me. I must stay focused on God no matter what might happen. The frightened child in me fears the "what". I need to find the adventuresome child in me who trusted my creator to keep me safe on the many off road adventures through the back woods and creeks I boldly and cheerfully explored in my youth. I know that stretching my boundaries is a skill I need to master on my journey through life.
So I guess the simple answer to the question - What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept - is simply ... I am struggling to accept the innately divine connection I've had since birth which allows me to easily "let go and let God" and trust in everything I already know. Everything will turn out well and I really truly am enough. Anything I think I lack will either be provided to me or it is unnecessary in my journey through life. To help me remember this I will ingrain a new mantra in my head. Let go and let God's magnificence shine!
